The Sugar Demon

I don't know if this is an Article, or even an Opinion, but it sure is a Journal Entry, and that is going to have to be good enough for today.

A few folks in my life know I have been on a Journey to Health (that sounds so damn cliche doesn't it? Journey to Health. Fuck, how about, "Highway to Health", or, "Unevenly Paved and Completely Crooked Path to some kind of Health Fullfillment, oh wait, a diversion, oh look a Donut!". There, fixed it.) I am eating a very low carbohydrate diet (pretty much Meat and Fat, rinse, repeat). I'm not asking for anyone's permission by the way or opinions on how I should eat more Fibre and avoid Saturated Fat - this is what works for me. As a side bar, I am not promoting my diet, but I'm not taking any critiques of it either.

I've been doing well for almost 6 months. I've lost significant weight. My bones and my muscles no longer hurt. My blood sugar has dropped dramatically. My skin has cleared up. I have a sex drive (I thought I had died in that regard). And, until today anyway, my cravings for all things carb/sugar related has been very under control.

I don't know what went awry or if anything actually did, as I have no physical cravings. I am however mentally craving Pizza, Chips, a Burger, and perhaps a really nice Pastry. This week has been a physically stressful week at work, my Oura ring keeps telling me I have "Major Signs" of something straining my body, and my stress levels are through the roof apparently. I gave blood last weekend and my sugar levels have been wonky (although I still produce ketones like a champ!).

Most of that last paragraph will mean nothing to folks who don't track their health stats like a Data Analyst on a mission from some kind of Data God. Sorry about that, I have, in my zeal, become a complete Health Data and Nutrition Research Nerd from Hell.

The point is: I crave, I crave, I crave. And, I've done really well on my diet and my mind says "hey ONE bad day will not ruin everything, have your treats!". That same mind that has told me those same lies over and over again. My OTHER mind, the one that serves me best, says "Sure have those treats! You will be kicked out of ketosis, your sugars will run high for a week or two, you will crave MORE shit, your bones will hurt, and you'll hate yourself. But hey if you want to be a total idiot...." (okay maybe it doesn't say that last bit).

Self Sabotage is a constant on any kind of "Kick that Addiction" Journey. I have experienced it before, I have caved to it before, I have hated myself for having to start all over, before. I really don't want to do it again. And while I know all the reasons behind it, all the Stress Triggers, the "other people, including my husband, are enjoying all these tasty treats but not me boo fucking hoo" triggers, (aka Self Pity), the Trauma Triggers, the entrenched body addiction - while I know all the reasons NOT to hate myself for feeling this way, I still hate myself for feeling this way. I should be over it by now, after six months in, why oh why, does it still haunt me so? I have not had cravings so strong since I began this diet.

So maybe this journal entry is for all those on a similar path, trying to kick an Addiction that has hounded you for a lifetime. Damn it sucks to say no and abstain doesn't it? And that sentence understates that point by about a thousand percent.

Be kind to folks who are trying to quit Sugar folks, that addiction is all to real. And, I've said this before, Sugar is EVERYWHERE. It's a socially acceptable, heck, socially expected, addiction. It's a treat given for being great or being sad. It's in your face in every store, every workplace, every function, every family event... need I say more? It's fucking everywhere.

Did writing all this make my cravings go away? Not really. But I feel a bit better about representing my fellow Sugar Addicts in our journeys (I need another word besides Journey) towards being Sugar Free. Our lives are too short, too precious, and we are too vital to throw our health away on a few pastries and burgers. At least, I like to think so, because thinking so throws water on that fiery fucking craving. And I need all the water I can get right now.

That's it for now... Cheers all, and keep fighting your good fights!