It’s the last night sleeping in my apartment, and on this last night, a few thoughts have of course come rambling through my mind.
I have gratitude to this place. It was there for me when I really needed to be on my own again, away from a house I had outgrown and room-mates I could no longer stand (and if I had of stayed any longer I may have possibly committed some kind of felony). It’s not perfect by any stretch – it’s an old place and is a bit run down. The guy across the hall smokes pot constantly and it wafts into my apartment. The people upstairs have a screaming child who has screamed now for two years straight, and whose first words were, and I’m not kidding “I HATE YOU!”. It’s Demon Spawn, or, the parents are horrible, or, well I don’t know. The people across the lot from me party loudly and it echoes into my apartment. So, no, not perfect – but it was mine, and I appreciated it for being my sole and sacred space.
I am now going to share a space again with someone, whom I love very much, and whom I’m excited to start a life with – but I Will miss my challenged space – and I will leave it with fond memories, and hope it’s new inhabitants enjoy it, and treat it well.
The moving on had my mind wander to other places, and I found myself missing some people, wondering after them, and wondering why, sometimes with time and distance, some friendships seem to fade. I have a few friends I used to be so close with, shared so much with, who now are just ghosts who post on Facebook. It saddens me a bit, and I wonder why the distance happened. I know some of it was not of my own doing. I also know friendship whose distance is of my own doing, and that also saddens me – but, like the apartment, the grief is replaced by a kind of gratitude, and although I miss them, I honour the friendship for what it was, and what it gave me at the time.
I have moved many times, and each time I keep a bit of the last place inside me – and take it with me as something that was special and loved. Sometimes I left out of need and for the sake of sanity, but I still take the good pieces, the pieces I am grateful for (and sometimes even the pieces that pushed me to move out in the first place, for without them I may not have had the impetus to move).
My life has been filled with the strange, beautiful, varied and challenging. For all of it I hold space and gratitude. For friends whose faces are memories on Facebook, for current friendships that I hold dear, for towns and cities and apartments and lovers that have all meant so much. Tonight I take moments for it all, and simply say Thank You.