I know I know, I haven’t written anything in a while, what can I say, I’ve been busy. I’ve also been conflicted, and a itsy bit depressed. Times are a changin’ – and that always brings new challenges.
However, I didn’t fire up the blog to write about why I’m not writing, something else got my attention. Part of it is related to why I’m not writing however – some of the reason why I always falter and stall – and that is the grand question that I always find myself facing, which is: “What Is the Grand Great Thing I am Supposed To Do With My Life?” It deserves capitals, because, it’s a big question, one that has plagued me for much of my life, and one that has held me back from doing many things.
So, in my journey to figure out the big grand thing I’m supposed to, I stumbled accross this quiet thought in my brain. Really, it was just sitting there, not doing much of anything, not really calling attention to itself – but for some reason this time I saw it and paid attention to it, and, upon doing so, I saw it wasn’t so small, simple or quiet after all. It was just – waiting.
The thought I’m referring to was related to a grander thought regarding Potential. Yes, Potential. I’ve been told my whole life I have “Great” Potential. In what, I don’t know. But I have lots of it. No matter what I try I seem to have lots of potential to be great at it. I think it’s just because I learn quickly, or I fake it very well, or I have a lot of this here potential for many things (who knows). Anyway, I have it, according to many. I have always thought I would manifest that potential to be BIG. I would write a great book, or, not. I would be a great painter – well, maybe not. I would be an awesome photographer and make oodles of money. Okay, no. I’d be a wicked graphic designer. Hmm ,maybe, but, no. I’d be KNOWN for something. But still, I am not. Except for making many false starts. And writing intermittent blog posts.
So I haven’t written the next great novel, and sometimes that gets me down. Where did all that potential GO? Did I ever have it? Aren’t I meant for more than working in at a corporate company during the day and piddling about with creative projects at night? Or is that it? Is that ALL I’m meant for?
And that’s where the quiet little thought I mentioned previously, was stumbled upon. And that quiet little thought just stood up and in it’s quiet voice said to me: “what is your definition of grand?” So I paid attention and took a closer look at what this thought had to offer. And the following came to mind.
I’m not known, I’m not famous, I’m not at the top of a top selling book list. I’m not sure however, that I need to be. If I reframed “Grand”, it would be in the context of having a Grand Life. And when I think on that, when I stand back and look at the big picture, I think, yeah, maybe, maybe it’s grand afterall. I’ve been so busy trying to paint in some large brushstroke that I failed to step back from the canvas and realize that, in all my small strokes, over the course of many years, I have actually managed to paint a pretty awesome picture. And, I think that I needed to see that. I think I needed to see that although I am not in a dream job making dream money, I LIVE and want to LIVE my life more through doing the things I love. I DO write, I create jewelry, I take pictures, I have this idea to learn the Cello, I want to act in a play. I am an artist and I am creative. I have wonderful friends that help me paint this illustrious life. I help others where I am able. I try to find joy and gratitude in any given moment in my day (although I will admit some days are a struggle). But I try.
I have failed many times. I have triumphed more often than not. I have been hurt, horribly. I have had traumas. I have had disabilities. And I am still here. I am still working on it, I am still moving forward.
In all that I feel Grand. I feel like this “unrealised” potential, has actually, been pretty realised. And I want to keep realising it, in all the various ways it wants to. So maybe I never make a lot of money, or save a lot, or have a lot. I am rich in so many ways – and honestly, I think it takes NOT having money to actually realise where you ARE wealthy. I think I have been looking in the wrong places to find my great THING. I think, my great thing, is in the DOING of my life, in all it’s strange directions, in all it’s weird turns, in all it has to offer.
The tapestry of my life is intricate, rich, luxurious and beautiful, and it’s far from finished. Perhaps no one will ever see it, but I will – and that’s all that matters. When it’s my time to check out of this world – I want to look at a tapestry I created, and be proud of it – and so far, I can say, I am.
Next up: Cello lessons. Every tapestry should have some music in it somewhere. Don’t you think?